I got home that night and had a weird feeling that there was someone in the house. Odd, I live alone.
I opened the door. The small outdoor porch light provided enough light inside that I could make out Mary Margaret in my kitchen cracking eggs in a bowl.
“Mary? Is that you?” I ask.
She emerged from the dining room with a steak knife in her hand. She raised it above her head and stabbed it into my beautiful seven hundred dollar French provincial coffee table in front of me.
She leaned in and whispered, “If you want to make an omelette you’ve got to break a few legs.” Her eyes pop out then close tightly. I can’t tell if she’s laughing or crying. “Did I say legs? I meant to say eggs!” She laughs, or is it cries(?), even harder at her mistake.
Just then the light above the stairs turns on and seconds later individual pieces of my clothing start raining down from the second floor.
“Plaid blouse… left brown cowboy boot…”
The voice was familiar but I couldn’t place it.
“…some sort of tie…”
It was a bolo tie and that was Allen Kew.
I turn on a light in the living room I see Honus Knox III sitting on the couch in the living room holding a rifle.
He tells me to sit down so I oblige him.
“It’s time to go. I’m tired of you, I’m tired of dealing with this show, I just want the whole thing over with.”
“But I’ve saved you a million dollars, Honus. Is this the thanks you’re going to give me?”
Just then the front door is flung open by Shell and he has a suitcase in his hand, “Use that good American head of yours Hoeney, and don’t let anybody make a sucker out of you. You know this broad’s gotta go.”
“I’m sorry Tater, you make good TV but I’m afraid you’ve caused too many waves, too many people who don’t agree with you. Shell’s right, I am spineless.”
“But Mr. Knox, we’ve done so much good television, so many ground-breaking things! Just think about this glorious set you’ve built and how beautiful and how functional it is!”
“The contractors are coming over now. I’m going to take your advice and we are going to dig out a sub-floor on this set after all and make a basement. You can live there down there if you want…and if you do, I’m going to have them fill it in.”
“I will go the authorities and we’ll straighten this out”
“They’d only laugh.”
It was a home invasion and the inmates had taken over the asylum.
– as told by former executive producer of Milwaukee Talk, Tater Beutler